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March 3, 2013 at 12:00 AM
Cute. There is a desperate need for commas, and you have too many run on sentences; use a period every so often to break them up. Also, some word choices left me confused about what was going on, along with the fact that the sentences are so long I have to reread things to get the picture. Other than that, keep going. This isn't so bad, but you can do better, I know it!