Interesting story
First off I just wanted to say I liked the premise at first, but when I read into the story I noticed that two things were apparent. I don't wish to be rude, but I think that this is an interesting idea and I wish to see you continue the series. That being said I really think you need to work on your grammar ust a little bit. Yes I saw commas when pauses needed to be made, but the names weren't capitalized. Another thing that I saw while reading the story was that a few things needed to be fleshed out just a littel bit. In summation I believe that you need to take more time to revise this first chapter before working on new chapters, but other than those two things its a nice story, nto to mention a good read if you can tidy things up just a bit.